During a visit to New York, Esther Mollema interviews Anna Fels, author of the book Women and Ambition.
Let’s talk.. about ambition
Many women seem to have a difficult relationship with ambition. They are ambitious, but they often don’t say it (enough). Esther talked about this with Anne Fels ( American ) who did research on this topic. 
At the end of your performance interview, your boss asks about your ambitions for the following years. What are you doing? Do you immediately come to the point with a concrete proposal, such as: “I would like to grow into a senior position in two years’ time and lead my own team”? Or do you say, “I don’t really know. I want to grow in content and develop myself personally, but I don’t know how exactly. ” Are you asking for a deserved promotion? Or are you waiting for your boss to offer it?
In my experience (Esther ed.) many women still find it difficult to indicate clearly what they want. And that’s why I got on a plane to New York to speak to Anna Fels, who gave so many insights about this in her book “Women and Ambition“. She conducted a major research into dreams and ambitions, and what they mean to us.
The many women she interviewed for her book all spoke fluently and candidly on everything from money to sex. But when it came to their ambitions, it suddenly became difficult! And yet ambitions fulfill a deep human need. Whether teaching, healing patients or a career in business: being good at something and getting recognition for it is essential to our well-being and happiness. For women of today, the road to something good is wide open. We have access to all courses and professions. However, the pitfall is still in recognition, says Anna Fels: “that is still more difficult for women than for men.”
Anna Fels,if ambition is so good for us, why is it often such a difficult subject for women?
“Women’s roles are changing at an unprecedented rate, probably more than ever in history. Cultural values that were valid for centuries are broken. But those values still have an impact. In the past, women often had to subordinate themselves to others. There was little room for themselves. That is still the case with many women.
Many women feel guilty if they want to do something for themselves, for example promote while they already have a nice job, or if they want to work more hours. Wanting to make a career, being ambitious, is then considered to be very selfish. Women often hide their ambitions. I even see here in New York, the epicenter of ambition, few women who are truly openly ambitious.
Women who are successful often say that it just happened that way and that they were very lucky. ” Despite all the changes in recent decades, it has proved difficult for women to maintain their ambitions, says Anna Fels. Because we still expect women, whatever their dreams, to be primarily caring and supportive to others. So a tricky pitfall…
Following your dreams and ambitions makes you happier, but “real women” and “good mothers” should (we still think) not choose for themselves. Of course that is changing, but in almost all women today you can still see some of this internal struggle.
Anna Fels, what can women do themselves to stick to their ambitions?
“Everyone needs encouragement and attention for his or her ambitions to be motivated and productive. I often see women who do not receive this encouragement in my practice. I show them that they are in an environment where they receive very little support. That they must stop trying to change themselves and that breaking them is not personal failure, but simply the best, inevitable choice.
The solution is not to stay where you are, but to find a new job, a new environment, a new mentor. Cut your losses and get out! My second most important advice is that in such a situation you should not so much look for a new job, but especially for a new boss. Someone who does give you support and recognition. Also look at the people who already work for this person. Is that the environment in which you fit and will flourish?
I hope that women will support each other much more in the coming years by letting each other know for whom you should and should not work in an organization. I hope there will be more networks in which women discuss this with each other.
Anna Fels: “For men a lot is changing too”
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In my work I see that more and more men are starting to make new and different choices. How do you also recognize that?
“For men, this major cultural change is also getting more exciting. Until now they have had much clarity. Men did not receive negative feedback in their choices, for example to make their careers more important than their families. But a lot is changing for them too: 35 percent of women in the US are already earning more than their husbands. And in the last recession, especially men have lost their jobs. Those families already live in a new truth. ”
In the Netherlands, I (Esther ed.) advise many companies that want to prepare their women and men for a more diverse composition of their organization. How well does that work in the US?
“We have known for some time that organizations with a good male / female ratio perform better, but it develops still slowly. A bright spot is that it is a real culture revolution and if you look at it that way, it all goes quite fast. But if you experience it yourself, you can be annoyed by that slowness, yes.”
As a mother, what can you do to prepare your daughters for these new choices and lives?
“Parents who want to help their daughters to choose new, less traditional roles should especially teach children how to become good at something. Children like to feel special and special, to be proud of themselves. It doesn’t really matter what, but they have to feel that they excel at something. And for recognition, the compliments of just your parents are not good enough.
Children quickly realize that parents are not really objective. They must get the signal from the outside world that they are good. Parents can of course organize this carefully. By looking for their talent with their children and then ensuring that they receive compliments from others. ”
Esther Mollema’s books can be ordered via bol.com